On November 8, 2016, the American public elected Donald Trump to be the 45th President of the United States, giving him an overwhelming landslide majority over Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders. Sanders, whom Trump had labelled Dirty Grandpa, was a late replacement for the originally elected democratic candidate Hillary Clinton, who infamously pulled out of the title race following Trump’s notorious thick ankles comment.
Trump was inaugurated on January 20 2017, and in his inauguration speech, President Trump promised to make-good on his pledges to ban Muslims entering the country, to build an unbreachable wall on the Mexican border, and to rid America of 11 million illegal immigrants. Speaking exclusively to Fox News, President Trump made these comments:
As of right now, no more Muslims can enter the US. None. Nada. Apart from my golfing buddies from OPEC of course, but they have Lear jets and diplomatic immunity so it doesn’t count. And I haven’t decided what to do with those that are already here. Trouble is I don’t know where to keep them for the time being but I’m thinking Alaska would work.
On Expelling Illegal Immigrants
It’s way more than 11 million. The real figure is something like 50 million. We are talking illegals dating back to the 1970s and their offsprings. By getting rid of this bunch of lowlifes, a great burden will be shifted from the American economy. And that’s 50 million jobs for Americans right there!
On The Mexican Wall
It’s going ahead as we speak. I’m getting the illegals to build it before I kick them out of the country, and I’m gonna get the Mexicans to pay for it!
Trump’s first week in office was certainly different from that of previous newly elected Commander in Chiefs, and it became a whistle-stop tour of nations and leaders that clearly feature on The Donald’s agenda.
Day 1: Scotland
On day one of his first term in office there was no sign of President Trump at the White House, nor any other location in Washington, nor the USA for that matter. It turned out he had taken Air Force 1 to Scotland to celebrate his victory with some friends at his Aberdeen golf course.
The world’s press soon ascended on the picturesque location of Aberdeenshire, where spotted playing a round of golf with the President were Salman bin Abdulaziz, Vladimir Putin, Alex Salmond and Snoop Dogg, but there was no sign of UK PM David Cameron.
Speaking to Fox News Trump said:
After the way the British leader Cameron spoke so disrespectfully of me, I’m calling time on the so-called Special Relationship between the UK and the US. What do we get from those limeys anyway? More Muslims? At least with Scotland we get great golf and great Scotch.
Day 2: Italy
Despite the leaders of the UK, France and Germany all vying for his time, Trump’s one stopover in Western Europe was Rome, where he caught up with another billionaire businessman turned world leader, former Italian president Silvio Berlusconi. It turns out both men have much in common, both are fans of wealth and power, creative hairstyling and Benito Mussolini:
While the 79-year old Berlusconni claimed that he wasn’t the man I used to be, he had planned a special O.A.P Bunga-Bunga party for President Trump, with other names on the guest list including Mick Jagger, Hugh Heffner, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Max Mosley.
Day 3: Russia
The third day of Trump’s presidency saw him touch down in Moscow to spend some quality time with new BFF Wladimir Putin. Trump was keen to learn how Putin with subtle manipulation of the Russian political system had remained in power since 2000 and looked set to rule until 2024 at least, and how that might apply to his own presidency.
Russia and America have much in common Trump quipped to Fox News. We both love weapons, war, and sticking our noses in other countries business. Oh, and keeping immigrants and Muslims out of our countries. In fact I think Wladimir is gonna come in with me on this Alaskan project. He can march his Muslims straight over the Bering Strait when it freezes over this winter.
Day 4: Iran
President Trump proved that he would not be a leader who shirked potential conflict when he arranged a hasty summit with Iranian leader Sayyed Ali Khamenei. Trump pledged to build new business relations with Iran, and take as much discount Iranian oil as they could send over, but claimed he didn’t need any more Iranian immigrants to the US as they were maxed out with the ones they had.
After the meeting Trump told Fox News:
I think the meeting went well. His English wasn’t great and my Arabic is non-existent, so I spoke real slow. I think he got the point. Then I asked him if he’d heard that joke about the Ayatollah and the widow, and there was suddenly a lot of shouting and spitting and gesticulating, so I thought maybe it was time to get the hell out of Dodge.
Day 5: Israel
Trump’s next port of call was Israel, and in a key meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, the President stated that in future the US would be demanding much more from their long-standing Middle-Eastern allies.
Speaking to Fox News he said:
Over the years the US had donated trillions of dollars to these people, and for what? So that they can live out here in the desert and don’t do jack? In future, if Israel wants US military backing, they have to earn it, know what I mean? Now, I’m not telling anyone to do anything specific, but there’s a country over there called Iran, and if the Jews were to do us all a favor and you know push that little red button
Fox News stresses that President Trump was smiling when he made what must be taken as a tongue in cheek comment.
Day 6: North Korea
President Trump made what initially seemed an unlikely visit to North Korea and had an important summit with leader Kim Jong-Un. In January Trump had famously praised the 28-year old for wiping out his opposition.
He wiped out the uncle, he wiped out this one, that one. Said Trump back then. This guy doesn’t play games and we can’t play games with him. Because he really does have missiles and he really does have nukes.
The two men played a round of golf and discussed North Korea’s ongoing tensions with neighbors South Korea.
I told him to back off from pointing his nukes at South Korea. I mean, we all love Samsung products, right? I’ve already got my Note 5 on order. So I told Kim, point your nukes in the direction of China and do us all a favor!
Day 7: USA
Trump made a hasty return to the US, just in time to waive goodbye to several of his offsprings and key-members of the Trump Organization expelled for life from the US. Under President Trump’s 2016 Illegal Immigrants Expulsion Order his former wife, Czech-born Ivanka had in fact not been a US citizen when they married in 1977. Along with Ivana on the plane bound for the Czech Republic were Trump’s son Donald Jr and Eric, and daughter Ivanka, who are also deemed to be illegal immigrants.
While President Trump refused to comment, he was apparently overheard stating he would try to sneak them over the border before that God-damn wall goes up, or else contact 2ndPassports.com and get them some dual-citizenships.
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